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Exchanged Glory: A Vision of Freedom
<page 32>… my entire world had just changed. It was no longer ruled by a God who fit my definitions of justice or love. He had His own definitions. He was both much more wrathful than I had imagined, and also much more loving.
I will now pick up my story from where I left off at the end of Chapter Two. I had described the first eight years of my Christian life. I was frustrated and exhausted by my inability to deal with sexual temptations, and had in some ways given up on fighting them. At the end of the chapter, I mentioned that I told a friend I was looking for a god I could like. I didn’t understand the fear of the Lord, and the Judge of the earth I found in the Bible was an embarrassment to me. When I was honest with myself, I wasn’t sure how I could love, or even like, a God Who sent as many people to hell as He did.
A few days after that conversation, I was reading in Romans:
And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; … and, although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them. (emphasis added)
(Romans 1:28-29; 32, NAS)
When I got to the phrase, “and, although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death,” I spontaneously blurted out, “I don’t think people know that they deserve death.” (I didn’t think they knew it, and I didn’t agree that it was a fair punishment either. Sure sin was a problem, but why couldn’t God just deal with it quietly like the rest of us had to?)
Right after objecting, I felt the Holy Spirit impress on me that my words showed how messed up I was. My confusion was so deep that I didn’t understand God’s judgment.
I was surprised and shaken. I didn’t usually hear God talking to me, especially when I was disagreeing with Him, but this day He made Himself loud and clear.
Therefore you are without excuse, every man of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. And do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment upon those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? (emphasis added)
(Romans 2:1-3, NAS)
<page 33> What the Holy Spirit helped me see from these verses was that God’s judgment rightly falls on those who disobey. It wasn’t the harsh cruelty I was tempted to think it was; it was giving people what they deserved. The fact that I could look at sin and not see what it deserved showed that I didn’t understand how life worked.
Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?
(Romans 2:4, NAS)
I realized I was thinking lightly of God’s kindness, forbearance, and patience. I felt that if He was loving, He would overlook sin. He would say, “It’s OK. I understand how hard it is, and I don’t judge you.”
God’s mercy isn’t like that. It is meant to bring us to repentance, not to excuse us.
I had hoped that God would understand how hard my temptations were and go easy on me. After all, I had tried to change. …It was clear that He was different than I wanted Him to be.
As I read, I realized that I had never really understood the meaning of the word ‘sin.’ To me, it was something that was destructive, and even wrong, but not something that deserved hell. It was more like a dangerous mistake. It deserved some judgment, but in my inner heart I had never bought into God’s view of its seriousness.
Hell made the stakes of living too high. I didn’t think I could be happy in a world where it was so easy to end up in eternal torment. I couldn’t emotionally embrace the thought that the majority of the people I knew were headed there. It was too horrifying to deal with, so I had suppressed the truth of it in my heart.
The God of wrath didn’t seem loving to me. Without realizing what I was doing, I had tried to make Him more acceptable by recasting Him into a god who matched my definition of kindness. I couldn’t conceive of Him sending billions of people to hell and then rightfully saying, “God is love.” My heart short circuited. I had tried to believe the words of the Bible, but I couldn’t make sense of the terrifying truth of the God they described.
As the Holy Spirit opened my eyes, I went through a radical shift in my view of the world. I was seeing the Judge of the earth for the first time. He abhorred sin in a way that I had never before imagined, and I could feel His hatred for it. He wasn’t able to forgive just because He was a “nice guy.” Sin was too serious of a crime.
Meeting the God of Wrath scared me, but I kept reading.
But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who will render to every man according to his deeds: to those who by perseverance in doing good seek for glory and honor and immortality, eternal life; but to those who are selfishly ambitious and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, wrath and indignation. There will be tribulation and distress for every soul of man who does evil, of the Jew first and also of the Greek, but glory and honor <page 34>and peace to every man who does good, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For there is no partiality with God. (emphasis added)
(Romans 2:5-11, NAS)
When I read these words, I sensed that I was headed for hell because of my lack of repentance. I don’t believe this message came from God,[14] but it left me stunned. This was probably the first and only time in my life where I truly doubted that I would end up in heaven. It shocked me to think that eternal torment might be my final destination.
When I looked at the scripture, my situation grew worse. It said that every day that I didn’t repent added to my penalty. I was storing up wrath for myself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God. If I was headed for hell, each new sin I committed was adding to the punishment I would experience there.
I wasn’t sure if I had the right interpretation, but as I sensed the holy anger of God, I felt a fear I had never known before. I got down on my face on the floor. I was very honest with God and said, “I have tried everything I know for the past eight years, and I have failed. I don’t have anything left. I can’t think of any way that I can stop my sexual sins. If every day that I don’t repent just adds to my penalty, then please open up the ground and take me now. I don’t know how to quit, and I don’t want my stay in hell to get any worse.”
Then I waited to see what God would do.
After maybe a minute, the answer hit me and transformed me forever. I realized that this was what the blood of Jesus was all about. I had no ability in myself to change, and because of that, God had to do something drastic to save me. He had to send His Son to satisfy His wrath toward me for my stubborn sinfulness, which was so ingrained in me that I resisted Him even when threatened with hell. I felt I had no choice but to have the ground swallow me.
I had spoken about Christ’s sacrifice perhaps thousands of times but had never really understood it. It was only after I saw God’s hatred for sin that I was able to perceive my need for mercy.
I had thought that it was nice that Jesus had died for me, but in my emotions, I had never felt it was necessary. Why couldn’t God just forgive me because He liked me? Why did it take the sacrificial death of His Son? After finding out what sin was and how God felt about it, I understood why saving me took extreme measures.
I was struck by the depths of my own wickedness and by my need for the work of the Holy Spirit. I had thought of my sin as a little wart on my otherwise smooth soul. Instead, it was a cancerous tumor woven and knotted through the inner fabric of my heart, invading every part of my being. It was far too ingrained in me to be removed with a simple operation. I needed the Holy Spirit to guide and change me in ways I had never before imagined. Nothing else could get the job done.
<page 35>When I got up off the ground, nothing had changed in my actions. I continued to smoke and privately act out. I looked at my heart and decided I still didn’t know how to stop sinning.
There was little evidence that I had just crossed the major turning point in my sexual life – but my entire world had just changed. It was no longer ruled by a god who fit my definitions of justice or love. Instead, the true God had His own definitions. He was both much more wrathful than I had imagined, and also much more loving.
My view of myself apart from Jesus had also changed. I was no longer a basically nice guy with a sexual problem. I was a habitual sinner who fought against the truth of God. I deserved to go to hell and had escaped because He cared enough to send His Son to die for me. I had never before appreciated how gracious He was toward me.
It’s hard to describe what happened over the next few months. As the Holy Spirit touched me, my confusion began to clear and strength of character grew within me. With my new insight into the wrath and mercy of God, an inner fear and trembling were added to my worship. It’s not surprising that I was able to better see God work for His good pleasure in my life.
… work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.
I had a new relationship with Jesus. I was able to continually go to the One who sympathized with my weaknesses without excusing them, and who didn’t condemn me for my failures while He strongly disapproved of them. It changed me.
Finally, one day I looked at myself and said, “You can give up this sin if you want to.” Though I didn’t feel like stopping, I knew how God felt about it, so when I left college I quit smoking. I haven’t smoked since. A month or two after that I stopped privately acting out. With the exception of a couple of times that I fell within the first few months, I haven’t fallen since.
I was far from totally free from sinful thoughts, however. In fact, for the first year or so after quitting, I went through painful emotional withdrawal, and I had difficult struggles for many years afterwards. Though I wanted to obey God out of love, the battle was often so crushing that love alone couldn’t get me through. At those times, I remembered what God’s hatred of sin felt like. Once the fear of the Lord had helped me find wisdom, I could no longer honestly claim I didn’t know how to obey. I was afraid to willfully choose to disobey.
The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death.
It wasn’t that I thought God would instantly reject me if I sinned, but I knew that if I chose to walk the wrong way, I could eventually end up in a state where I had no real faith. It wouldn’t <page 36>happen overnight, but I didn’t want to take any steps in a direction that could lead me into judgement and regret.
But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified.
I also didn’t want to fall into God’s discipline and the earthly consequences of my sin. As it turned out, my brief time of smoking contributed to asthma a few years later. Bad stuff happens when we disobey.
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.
I also knew that I would someday stand before the judgment seat of Christ. I would face the joy of having Him say, “Well done good and faithful servant,” or the fire of having my works burned up. I had felt His disapproval once; I didn’t want to feel it again.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. Knowing, therefore, the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are well known to God, and I also trust are well known in your consciences.
…each one's work will become clear; for the Day will declare it, because it will be revealed by fire; and the fire will test each one's work, of what sort it is. If anyone's work which he has built on it endures, he will receive a reward. If anyone's work is burned, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.
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