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Exchanged Glory III: Wise as Serpents
<page 62>If we have adulterous sex with her, we are like a man who has stolen everything in the store.
You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
For many years I wasn’t sure what it meant to look at a woman to lust for her. For those of you who, like me, have been confused, I have included this short chapter to share what I finally concluded.
I mentioned in the previous chapter that the hormonal reaction we feel when our eyes are drawn to someone is not the same as looking at a woman to lust for her. There is an attraction that is entirely God given and normal. The key is whether wisdom kicks in to guide how we handle the temptation. When it doesn’t, there are several flavors of lustful thinking we tend to fall into.
The first is called ‘undressing.’ We indulge in the woman’s beauty by picturing her with fewer clothes on or as a sex partner. In our mind, we play with her attractiveness in order to increase our sexual pleasure. Since looking at pornography does this in a more outward way, it also fits into this category.
A second lustful thought pattern only applies to married men. I call it ‘pursuing.’ It usually starts with flirting, and then progresses into a growing relationship.
Pursuing can be difficult for those who have just married. It was an activity that was acceptable before they dedicated themselves to a spouse, but it is now off limits. One time, at a church meeting when I was recently married, an attractive woman showed up. My instincts took over and I tried to talk to her. I don’t remember the exact chain of events, but I remember my wife’s reaction. I was engaging in the sin of pursuing. As a single man my actions would have been acceptable, but no longer. I had to reserve those sorts of interactions for my wife.
A third sin is having sex with ourselves (or as I have been calling it: privately acting out). It doesn’t need much explanation. It involves lust in our hearts and stimulation of our body. Based on the context of Matthew 5:27-30, I believe that Jesus referred to this activity when He talked about our hand causing us to sin.
If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you[36] (please read the footnote); for it is <page 63>more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. (emphasis added)
A final type of lustful thinking is sinful orientations. They are areas in which lust has entered our personalities and become so much a part of us that we can hardly imagine thinking without it. For example, a man may find that any feeling of insecurity automatically leads him to fantasize about sex. His subconscious mind avoids fear by turning to erotic excitement, and this tendency has become so ingrained that he finds it humanly impossible to break the connection. His heart has become oriented in that direction.
Other examples of sinful orientations are connections between same-sex bonding and sex (homosexuality), objects and sex (fetishes), and suffering and sex (sadomasochism). There are too many possible flavors to list them all. In all of them, some aspect of life has become fused with eroticism. Sin has formed a stronghold in the pathways of our heart, and sexuality takes residence in a part of our personality where it doesn’t belong.
I am not aware of anything but the wisdom and power of the Holy Spirit that can fully free someone bound by this sort of error. I say that based on my experience as someone who was bound in this way. I had become sinful at the core of my emotional being, and that can only be fixed by reorienting that core. The process of healing often involves a great deal of faith, patience, self-control, wisdom, and supernatural intervention. We may need to discover what each infected emotion was created to feel and then humbly work with God as He transforms it. The process is not simple, and it usually takes more time than we would like.
Among sincere Christians, a sinful orientation is generally the result of immaturity rather than rebellion. It is a sin that springs out of foolishness, and it can only be reversed by gaining godly wisdom.[37] The good news is that our Heavenly Father is up to the task. He accepts us by the blood of Jesus and receives us as His children while we are still immature. Then He embraces us as He carefully renews and restores us.
Is there a difference in severity between lusting after a woman and having adulterous sex with her? I think everyone knows that there is, but I have heard someone say, “If you lust after a woman, you might as well be having sex with her, because both sins are the same.” If someone were to act on this it could be dangerous, so let me briefly describe why they are not the same.
The confusion comes from the fact that both sins fit under the broad category called “adultery.” What we have to remember, however, is that though two sins might be grouped together in the same category, one can be more serious than the other. For example, both shoplifting and grand larceny are forms of stealing, but one is much more harmful than the other. We wouldn’t say, “If <page 64>you are going to steal that candy bar, you might as well take everything in the store, because both sins are the same.”
In the same way, lusting after a woman and adulterous sex with her are different. When we lust after a woman, especially if we quickly turn to God for help, we have stolen a candy bar. It is a sin, but we have not done a great deal of damage, and we are not likely to face a stiff penalty in this life. If we have adulterous sex with her, we are like someone who has stolen everything in the store. The damage is greater, and the consequences are likely to be also.
I don’t mean by this that repeated, willful lusting might not eventually become more serious than adulterous sex (all of those candy bars add up; it turns into a kind of a “death by a thousand candy bars”). I am just saying that though all sins are without excuse and deserve judgment, not all sins cause the same amount of damage on this planet.
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