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Exchanged Glory V: God Meant it for Good
<page 193>My life changed as I learned to accept that it was OK to stare a Trigger squarely in the face and say, “The locomotive may be rolling down the mountain, but by God’s grace it isn’t going to reach its goal.”
The internet has allowed me, for the first time, to learn about other men who struggle with smoking fetishes. My research has confirmed that a smoking fetish is the sort of problem that can overwhelm a man with something as simple as seeing a woman smoke in public. Sexual images can be so powerful in our imaginations that exposure to them creates seemingly irresistible desires for fulfillment. For most people, those sorts of images only show up in the bedroom or in pornographic material. For a man with a smoking fetish, they can show up in a park, outside a building, or in the car next to him on the road.
When an erotic image stimulates us strongly, it is called a Trigger. Triggers are one of the main reasons why sexual addiction produces such strong bondage. Once an addict is exposed to a trigger, his or her emotions feel like an especially powerful locomotive barreling down a mountain. It seems impossible to stop the momentum, and the addict concludes that there is no other alternative but to come along for the ride.
The approach that most people take to unwanted triggers is to avoid them. This is always the right thing to do when Triggers are scenes of sex or nudity involving someone other than one’s spouse. It is also usually the right thing to do if a Trigger consistently leads us into sinful acts.
I am concerned, however, that an over-emphasis on avoiding Triggers sends the wrong message. Some people hear it as a replacement for developing character. They act as if self-control is impossible once they are exposed to even the possibility of a Trigger. For example, if their porn-blocking software has a weakness that allows them to view a pornographic site, they go to the site and act as if the only other alternative is to get better software. It seems foreign for them to think that Jesus could change them to the point where they would decide not to look.
It grieves me to see this sort of lack of faith in the power of God. I understand where it comes from, because I faced my own seemingly impossible battle with unwanted Triggers. I could have easily concluded that I was hopeless apart from being able to remove myself from temptations. In my case, however, I knew that this sort of conclusion might have destroyed me. What hope was there for me to stay away from people who smoked back in the days where smoking was just about everywhere in society? Fortunately, the Spirit of God gave me another option. Jesus said I could be free indeed (John 8:31-36), and that meant I could be free on the inside.
In the long run, an over-reliance on external controls and avoidance tends to have limited success at best. The sinful tendencies of our flesh (our natural abilities) are deceptive and strong.
<page 194>For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded (to think based on our natural abilities) is death, but to be spiritually minded (to think based on the work of the Holy Spirit) is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be. (explanation and emphasis added)
We are carnally minded when we trust in our natural abilities rather than the Spirit of God. This approach is doomed from the start, even when it takes the noble form of an attempt to use whatever is available (support groups, accountability partners, avoiding temptations …) to force us to do what is right. We simply cannot subject ourselves to the law of God in that way, and this is especially true when Triggers are involved. They are so captivating to our flesh that they tend to overcome even our strongest convictions.
If we live according to the Spirit, however, though He may lead us to put in place external helps, those helps are not the basis for our success. It is instead that He is enabling us to put to death the deeds of the body, even if we find ourselves in a pit of enticement.
Our sins are never brought on by the strength of the temptations we face, the failure of our porn-blocking software, or a lack of human support. They are always brought on because our hearts are set on our flesh rather than the Spirit:
For out of the heart proceed …adulteries, fornications…
Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness…
Our goal must be for the Holy Spirit to transform our hearts; this is the best protection available.
Some may object that an emphasis on the inner work of the Spirit will keep people from taking the practical steps they need to take in order to protect themselves from temptations. Walking in the Spirit does not put us in opposition to taking steps, however. We can take steps to externally protect ourselves as a part of relying on Him.
In some cases, however, external protections are just about impossible, and that was the case with me. The only way I could have avoided temptation in the 1980s and 1990s would have been to drop out of society and isolate myself from the world. Since I didn’t believe God was leading me to become a hermit, I had to find a different way to overcome.
It is helpful to look closely at some of the verses that encourage us to flee from temptations.
Flee sexual immorality…
<page 195>But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.
How should we obey God’s command to flee sexual immorality? Since this sin comes out of the heart, we should flee it primarily by fleeing from it in our hearts. We don’t want it to be a part of us, so we search for the truth and power of God that will convince and enable us to stay away from it. It is probably also wise to avoid situations that make this harder to do, but we shouldn’t confuse that with an inner experience of God’s grace. It is entirely possible to stay away from temptation on the outside without ever really humbling ourselves before Him and seeking His supernatural strength. If we do this, we are likely to feel helpless if circumstances break down our barriers.
In a similar way, Matthew 5:29-30 might seem to teach that external controls (like plucking out an eye or cutting off a hand) can protect us from sin, but if we look more closely, we see that this isn’t the case. Our eye and our hand only express what is in our heart, so they are never the real cause of sin. If we amputate them (and we should not – see below), we can still sin with some other part of our body.
Even if we don’t hold to the literal interpretation of Jesus’ words and we treat our eye and hand as symbolic for situations that lead to sin (which I believe is a better way to interpret these verses), we still have the same problem. If our heart isn’t right, we will eventually find new methods to express what is within us.
I believe Jesus was using hyperbole (exaggeration to make a point) to impress upon us the need to do whatever is necessary to deal with our heart problem. He is saying, “You need to see that lust is a much bigger problem than you realize!” Men especially have a tendency to dismiss it with sayings like “boys will be boys” or “it’s only sin if I act on it.” Jesus is using radical imagery to impress on us that this is unacceptable. We need to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to find God’s grace to fix the true problem, our tendency to live according to our flesh.
This must go deeper than our actions. We need to seek God for His living reality that will affect the root issues in our hearts. We should come into His presence day after day, allow our weaknesses to be exposed, and see that we have no other hope besides Him. Studying to know Jesus better, worshipping, facing Brokenness, crying out for mercy – all of these will likely be a part of our repentance.
At His throne of grace, we perceive the difference between His promises and our experience, and our confidence in ourselves is shattered. We realize that our only hope is to let Him work into our lives what He has given us at the cross. He must reach into our inner man and help us to live like more than mere men (1 Corinthians 3:3).
As I mentioned, I have a special interest in the distinction between a changed heart and avoiding temptation because of my particular temptations. If I hadn’t made the distinction, I would likely have ended up feeling hopeless. Though I am fairly cautious and have generally set conservative <page 196>boundaries for myself, a smoking fetish made my life extremely difficult. There was hardly a public building besides a church I could go into before the mid-1990s where I wouldn’t at least smell cigarettes. Even if I could have stayed away from buildings, there was always the woman smoking in the car next to me or the one walking down the street. Then there were problems associated with working (which pushed me past my comfort zone – which tempted me to smoke – which then turned sexual). Triggers for a smoking fetish could be as innocent as walking outside in the cold weather where everyone’s breath looks like smoke.
Until I settled the issue that sin came from my heart rather than my circumstances, the fear that I wasn’t doing enough to avoid Triggers undermined my faith. My decision not to cut off every possible cause of stumbling produced an inner accusation that I wasn’t truly dedicated to Jesus, and this accusation undermined my faith.
My life changed as I learned to accept that it was OK to stare a Trigger squarely in the face and say, “The locomotive may be rolling down the mountain, but by God’s grace it isn’t going to reach its goal.” This put me in a place where I was able to examine my Triggers, see what was happening, and let the Holy Spirit teach me what to do about my heart issues.
I discovered that I have a part of my emotional life that could be called a “Trigger Mechanism.” It generates sexual Triggers, and it is designed to allow me to reach sexual climax with my wife. I believe Song of Solomon gives an example of how it works (note: I am about to give a quick teaching from Song of Solomon that could trigger some men. If you would rather not hear a description of how Solomon was turned on by his wife, you might want to skip the rest of this chapter):
How beautiful are your feet in sandals, o prince's daughter! The curves of your thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a skillful workman. Your navel is a rounded goblet; it lacks no blended beverage. Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon which looks toward Damascus. Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple; a king is held captive by your tresses.
How fair and how pleasant you are, o love, with your delights! This stature of yours is like a palm tree, and your breasts like its clusters. I said, "I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of its branches." Let now your breasts be like clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and the roof of your mouth like the best wine.
Solomon describes his wife’s body with imagery that portrays her power to pull him into a sexual trance. Any man who has made love with a woman will recognize what is happening. The acts of foreplay and intercourse cause a woman’s body to come alive with erotic desirability. Her curves, her waist, her hair …captivate a man. It is as if time stops and all of heaven and earth become focused on her beauty. He becomes absorbed with her as her presence fills him with pleasure. She is better than the best wine!
<page 197> Every love making experience is a little different. Sometimes her face seems irresistible, sometimes her breasts, sometimes her eyes, sometimes her kisses. This is the Trigger Mechanism in action. It works according to variations on a theme. The theme is the woman; the variations are different aspects of her that may jump out at any given time.
I believe that the theme and variation of our Trigger Mechanism was designed by God to keep married sex ongoing yet interesting. It allows for different experiences throughout a lifetime with the same spouse. It also gives us the ability to adjust to the changes that come with age. The variations that send us into ecstasy when we are twenty are different than the ones that turn us on at fifty or sixty. Love for a spouse expresses itself through a healthy Trigger Mechanism to find delight through the years.
It is almost as if our hearts contain a “throne room” in which we crown a king or queen of erotic desire. An unmarried person who hasn’t been called to celibacy is generally searching for someone to take the throne. Through marriage, a spouse moves in and becomes the theme of sexual delight.
We sin if the throne becomes occupied by someone other than our spouse – or more often, by a fantasy theme. The fantasy might be youthful beauty, which tends to produce variations that attract us to pornography. For homosexuals, the theme is someone or many people of the same sex. When I was young, my theme was a fetish, and the variations were different expressions related to that.
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