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Exchanged Glory IV: A Time for Every Purpose
<page 20>While darkness was trying to destroy me, God was giving me the tools He would later use to defeat an attack on my daughter.
A little history will be helpful at this point. My family has always been extremely important to me. From the day I was married, I had a desire to share the love of Jesus with them, and for many years God blessed my efforts in this area. Whatever I sacrificed in terms of my time and pain was more than made up for by the joy that came from sharing, playing, and growing together with them. The tendency when we see a man struggling with sexual temptation is to think that he doesn’t love his family. I don’t believe that this was the case with me.
When my children were young, I devoted my creative energy to finding ways to make the Bible interesting, using music, drama, and story-telling to share with them. When they were older, I taught them the truths of God’s wisdom while coaching them in basketball. They usually responded with enthusiasm.
One set of events especially stands out. I had a daughter who was ten years old. For ease in telling this story, I will call her Deborah (not her real name). Deborah developed severe headaches during fifth grade, keeping her out of school for five months. The pain was so intense that she had difficulty eating and lost a good deal of weight. I was shaken as I saw her begin to take on the skeletal appearance that I usually associated with malnutrition.
She became fearful that she was dying, and though my wife and I assured her that the doctors had tested her for just about everything that could kill her, her growing panic continued. We shared the truths of Scripture with her, but she seemed unable to take them in. She would lie awake for hours at night with her mind racing, unable to control her fear.
One day a friend from church, John, told me that he felt God had given him a vision. He said:
A snake was attacking Deborah, and you were trying to kill it with a sword. Every time you swung at it, the snake moved out of the way. Then you pulled out a shotgun and blasted it.
John felt that the snake was symbolic for the forces that were coming against my daughter. The sword represented my attempts to speak God’s word to her, and the shotgun was my guitar. The enemy was able to work around my words, but he wouldn’t be able to escape if I ministered with spiritual songs.
I wasn’t sure if John’s vision was really from God, but I figured I had nothing to lose. He was right that my words weren’t getting anywhere. I might as well see if singing with my guitar would help. I started having concerts with Deborah at bed time.
Many of the songs I sang were ones I had written as a teenager struggling with sexual addiction and emotional issues. It had been a time when my life didn’t make sense; all that I had to hang onto was the promise of the God Who held me and told me to trust Him. I hoped the songs would help my daughter at a time when her life didn’t make sense.
<page 21> I poured out my heart in music, and God’s presence filled the room. I could see that Deborah was being touched by the Holy Spirit. Peace came over her, and she was able to fall asleep.
During one of the concerts, I sang a song I shared in Exchanged Glory: A Vision of Freedom. I had written it at a time when a defeat before sexual temptations had severely shaken my faith:
Jesus is Real
Life’s not always been what I wanted it to be
My problems didn’t end when Jesus came to me
There’s even times when I have not liked who God is
But I knew He was right, and so I stayed with Him
Chorus:
For Jesus is real. He is Lord
Jesus is love. He gives His all
When problems come my way what else can I do
But love Him and serve Him
But love Him and serve Him
And follow Him for He is God
There were times it seemed that God did not come through
There were times it seemed that His word was not true
But through those times the Lord was working hard on me
And in His time He came and truly set me free (Chorus)[21]
The Spirit of God filled the room, charging the music with power. When I finished, both Deborah and I were crying. She spoke first: “It was like I knew the words to the song before you sang them.” I answered, “That’s because the Holy Spirit was speaking them to you.”
I knew that God was giving her what she needed. As my friend John had said, He was using my guitar to blast away the enemy. Within a short time, she found the ability to handle the headaches, and shortly after that they left.[22]
I didn’t know exactly what had happened during those concerts until I read my daughter’s testimony years later. She said that though she had believed in Jesus since childhood, the headaches had for the first time made her feel limited. She began to realize that she was not good enough by herself, and she became depressed.
<page 22> When I sang, she felt peace and hope until I left. Then the loneliness would once again permeate the room. She realized that what she missed was not just my presence, but the presence of her Heavenly Father. She decided she wanted Him to always be with her and dedicated her life more fully to Him.
There was a sweet irony in the fact that God had touched Deborah through songs that sprang out of my fight with sexual addiction and emotional issues. While darkness was trying to destroy me, God was giving me the tools He would later use to defeat an attack on my daughter. What the devil meant for evil, God meant for good.
The concerts brought back memories of how I had at one time wanted to be a well-known Christian musician. Over the years, my dream had slowly slipped away. The pressures of family life had forced me to focus on practical issues like working a job and spending time with my wife and children. My musical ambitions had to be put to the side.
As I saw God touching my daughter, I realized that in my wildest dreams of musical ministry, I could never have achieved anything that would have meant as much to me as these simple concerts. Heaven had come down on my songs to deeply touch my family. My lost dreams had been replaced by something better, and I wrote this song to celebrate:
Family Fairytale
My hair is thinning; I get tired when I work. Time isn’t what it used to be
I read of younger men who do what I once dreamed
Things I know I might now never see
You see my family, they needed me at home, ‘cause life was harder than I’d planned
And there were falls and fears and hospitals and tears
And who but me could take them by the hand?
Chorus:
My wife and children I love you from my heart
You are so much a part of me
To give to you what the Lord has given me
Is as close to heaven as my heart can be
Goodbye, my old dreams; you can’t compete with life
You are just shadows I once knew
‘Cause I’ve found love; I’ve found joy through and through
A family fairytale come true
There was a man once. He had a shining dream
He kept it hidden near his heart
A lovely maiden came to help him by his side
They joined as one to never break apart
To build a good house to stand against life’s storms
Piece by piece the dream had to be sold
<page 23>The man then realized the dream had been vain hope
Yet selling it had bought a house of gold (Chorus)
Another family highlight came when I memorized my way through the Song of Solomon. I started the book with questions about my sexuality. What was normal sexual desire? Did I have it at all? From my earliest adolescence I had been turned on abnormally; how did I know what I should feel in my relationship with my wife?
As I studied Song of Solomon, my heart opened to the beauty of male sexuality. I could relate to Solomon with his down to earth, visual, sensual approach. I saw in him much that reminded me of myself. At the same time, his honesty and imagery were so wild that I sometimes laughed out loud. I have never had another book of the Bible amuse me as this one did.
Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I said, “I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.”
(Song 7:7-8, NAS)
I’ll never be able to look at a palm tree in the same way again. I had read this verse as a teenage virgin and wasn’t really able to relate to it. As a married man, I understood – and laughed at the picture God chose to use. Whenever I want to remind my wife of how men view sex, I mention this verse.
Song of Solomon helped me put together a vision of what God wanted my sexual desires to be. I still struggled with the smoking fetish, but I had made progress, and I had a much better feel for what was normal and what wasn’t.
I did find Song of Solomon to be seriously lacking in one way. It didn’t deal much with the sexual struggle a couple goes through as they grow old together. Unfortunately, Solomon went through wives and concubines about as fast as most people go through a tank of gas (1 Kings 11:3). I couldn’t rely on him for much practical insight into a long-term relationship, but I took it by faith that God would give me the wisdom I needed to keep the fires of love alive in old age.
After finishing my memorization work, my heart was stirred to put what I had learned into a song for my wife. This is what I came up with:
In God’s word it says there is something wonderful
In the love between a man and wife
And I’ve seen this mystery move within my heart
Since the day you’ve come into my life
Chorus:
You have succeeded my Queen of Eden
Heaven comes down; dark seas part
You wake the wonder, earthquakes and thunder
You still make the mystery move in my heart
<page 24>In the fires of our youth, in the times of pain
Your sweet beauty touched me graciously
With the children running ‘round, as we face new days
Through the changes you still capture me (Chorus)
Bridge:
Time passes onward in God’s vast plan
Like flowers we have blossomed for one day, one short day
While we are fading, I’ll take your hand
Together we’ll find joy along the way (Chorus)
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