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One Flesh: What does it Mean?
This book started with a discussion of the first line of defense. It is an inner reaction against unwelcome sexual images that helps us to avoid sin. We intuitively know that certain activities can damage us, so we turn away from them.
Unfortunately, the first line of defense has limitations. Although it can help keep sexual sin from moving inside the heart of a healthy person, it doesn't necessarily remove it from the heart of a sick person. Once sexual sin has significantly breached our being, we may need healing from its damage.
In Chapters two through five, I described what it means to become one flesh with someone. I said that God has created a chemistry within us that kicks in during sexual experiences to reshape a man and woman for marriage. Unfortunately, this same chemistry also kicks in during any sort of sexual activity, and when it does so outside of marriage, it will reshape us in harmful ways. If we have sex with a harlot, we will be reshaped according the selfishness of that relationship. If we repeatedly have sex with ourselves through pornography, we will be reshaped around a virtual harem that can hold us in chains.
The intensity of this one flesh attachment is described by Song of Solomon 8:6-7. It is as strong as death and cruel as the grave. It burns like a fire, feels unquenchable, and pulls us to be willing to give up all the wealth of our house to satisfy it. The plague of pornography that has infected over half the men sitting in the pews of Christian churches continues, in large part, because it is fueled by this kind of emotion.
Chapters six through ten propose an answer to this sort of damage. As we add to our faith virtue, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love (2 Peter 1:5-7), we become neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ (2 Peter 1:8). We discover the grace of God that allows our hearts to be transformed, and He builds into us a second line of defense, a third, a fourth, …. Wisdom enters our hearts, and God's power is released that not only keeps us from future sexual sins, but also heals past damage.
All of this is part of growing in an intimate and living relationship with our Lord Jesus. It is not based on "the letter" (2 Corinthians 3:6); it is a reality of the Holy Spirit in which He writes his laws on our minds and hearts (2 Corinthians 3:3). We come to Him based on the blood of Jesus rather than on our performance (2 Corinthians 3:9).
Living in this way also changes how we relate to God, ourselves, and others. We learn to take our veils off so that we can be honest. Our relationships are not based on the fading glory of forcing ourselves to obey rules. Instead, they are based on the ever-increasing glory of our relationship with Jesus. We can honestly face our brokenness and shame, because we know that He is transforming us.
Living by the Spirit rather than "the letter" also changes our focus. "The letter" causes us to set our eyes on limited tools like learning and discipline. When walking by the Spirit, though learning and discipline are still important, we don't build our lives around them. Instead, we behold Jesus. His love and character become the source of our love and character. His sacrifice becomes the context in which we learn a healthy fear of the Lord. Because He has overcome, we overcome. In short, with unveiled faces we behold as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, and we are transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord (2 Corinthians 3:18).
Finally, in chapters eleven through fourteen, I used myself as an example of making our way through the difficulty of living these truths in practical life. The unveiled way of life described in 2 Peter 1:5-7 and 2 Corinthians 3-4 is not easy, especially when it involves recovering from sexual sin. We must make our way forward one step at a time, relying on Jesus to save us. Sometimes we make mistakes and have setbacks, but that is all part of the process. We learn as we go.
As I finish this book, I am reminded of a discussion I had many years ago. A friend, Dan, and I were talking about a subject of theology, and I made a comment about how it related to sexual struggles. Dan said to me, "So how does it feel to be the sexiest theologian in the Hudson Valley?" Confused (and amused), I asked, "What do you mean?" He said, "Every time you learn something about theology, you see how it relates to sex."
Sexual issues were huge in my mind, so it was natural for me to see how each new piece of information fit into the puzzle of solving them. I became excited when I learned something new that could help, and I let a little of my excitement "leak out" with Dan.
I have now "leaked out" six books, yet I feel as if there was so much I was unable to say – not because I didn't have the opportunity, but because I was unqualified to write about some subjects. One area in which I am especially weak is in the area of human support for recovery from sexual issues. I recovered largely through my relationship with Jesus together with the public ministry of the church; I was never a part of a face to face support group, and I rarely had a counselor who understood sexual issues.
I have read authors who tell people it is all but impossible to recover without those sorts of supports, and from the little bit of work I have done with sex addicts, I can see why they say this. I certainly don't like the idea that we need a support group or counselor, because I believe we must trust Jesus to meet our needs even if we don't have access to human support, but I have seen that many sex addicts are so lost that they don't know how to read the Bible, spend time with Jesus, or have much victory in their lives. It makes sense that specialized support could help them a great deal.
I have wondered why I was able to do well without that, and I have made an observation: The majority of people are strong in what I call "cultural learning." They pick up what they need to know by being a part of a group of people. They don't read books, study, and analyze their beliefs and actions. They find others they trust and learn by fitting in with them.
I have trouble imagining myself being able to even survive if I tried to live like that. My tendency toward emotional dysregulation would take over and drive me insane (perhaps literally). It was by practicing cultural learning as a child that I ended up cutting myself with razor blades. The same approach then led me into sexual addiction. I reacted to situations in ways that others didn't; I took ideas too far; my emotions locked into unrealistic expectations; I simply couldn't make sense of the world.
I have learned through experience that I need to balance any cultural learning I do with large amounts of wisdom, study, practice, and annoying questions. That is how I avoid the craziness my emotions tend to fall into. (In other words, I humbly and respectfully ask: "Who made this stupid rule, and why should I listen to it." …I know …I shouldn't call the rules stupid. Many of them make a good deal of sense, but I like to be honest about how tough culture can be for me.)
The flip side of this is that I tend to excel in situations where some of the rules need to be questioned. Many times, on my job I have been able to find answers that others have missed. They had difficulty thinking outside the box, but I almost seemed to have been born outside the box. Sometimes, I had trouble finding the box.
With years of experience at being different, I had an advantage when it came time for me to question the "don't talk about sexual sin" rule among Christians. God had built a wisdom into me that allowed me to go off on my own and explore. His Spirit and truth protected me and helped me to find the answers I needed.
I am concerned, however, for people who aren't like me. They will try to learn from Christian culture, and if that culture doesn't adequately address sexual issues, they may conclude that there are no answers. My books are my attempt to do what I can to help. In my years of searching without much human guidance, I thought it would be incredibly useful to hear from someone who had found answers and could share from experience. My books are me trying to be that person.
Books can only help so much, however. We also need people who can come along side of those who struggle. Many find 2 Peter 1:5-7 extremely difficult to do:
With virtue, they find it tough to hold to God's best unless someone stands with them and points out how to choose it when dealing with sexual temptations.
With knowledge, they tend to not even look for it unless someone repeatedly and patiently stresses its value.
With self-control, they fall back unless someone holds them to it.
With perseverance, they feel it is impossible unless someone stands with them and helps them to shoulder the burden.
With godliness, they have a tough time seeing who God really is without someone to present Him in the context of a life bound by sexual sins.
With brotherly love, they fear relationships until someone looks past their faults and befriends them.
With agape love, they find it difficult to picture what it means until they see it in action.
It can be extremely helpful if spiritual people can work with them:
Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
There are many ways to gain the qualities listed in 2 Peter 1:5-7. God may call us to grab hold of them by going directly to Him, He may use the help of a support group, or He may give us friends who will walk with us as we learn. Be sure of this, however – these qualities are not optional. They are essential if we want to escape from the damage that our lusts can visit on us. In the verse before 2 Peter 1:5-7, Peter wrote:
…by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. (emphasis added)
This verse gives us the context for adding virtue, knowledge, …to our faith. We do so to practically work out the fact that we have become partakers of the divine nature and have escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. By adding the qualities in 2 Peter 1:5-7, we cooperate with God as He practically expresses his nature in us and keeps lust from robbing us of His plan for our lives.
The Greek word for lust, epithumia, means "a longing (especially for what is forbidden)."[34] Misled sexual desire certainly fits into that definition, but epithumia can also refer to any kind of strong desire, even a well-expressed one. Jesus used it in Luke 22:15 to describe his longing to eat the last supper with His disciples:
Then He said to them, "With fervent desire (epithumia) I have desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer;
When is a fervent desire forbidden and when is it acceptable? The answer is found largely in whether we tap into God's grace to express it in a healthy way. When we do, we bring life into the world; when we don't, we bring death. Desires don't cause problems simply because they are strong; they cause problems because we don't find God's ability to channel them into life-building expressions of love.
This is the case with sexual desires. At their base, they are gifts from God, yet we must tame their strength to build healthy families – and 2 Peter 1:5-7 gives us a roadmap for the taming process. Faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love are trustworthy guidelines and signposts that we can follow as we learn His plan for our sexuality. We would be shortsighted to ignore this:
For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins.
Let's work with God as He builds these things into our lives. The price of being shortsighted and forgetful is too high. The body of Christ is being robbed of so much because of our sexual sin, yet as God teaches us His tools for overcoming, we will find no lack of His grace and power to free us. We may even find that He will shine His light through us in a way that will change the world around us. He has done that sort of thing in the past; why not in our time?
The subtitle of this book is, "Why is it so difficult to deal with sexual sin among Christians?" Hopefully, the answers to this question are now clearer for you, and hopefully God is already showing you the ways in which those answers can help you and others. May He be with you as He leads you into fullness of His plan!
Father, we once again commit our lives to you. You have a plan to overcome the sexual darkness that has infected so many. We ask You to display Your mercy and power throughout all the world.
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