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One Flesh: What does it Mean?
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For "the two," He says, "shall become one flesh." But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.
In order to more fully understand what happens when sexual sin moves inside our bodies, we need to understand what it means to become one flesh with someone. We might be tempted to think of this only in romantic, blissful terms, and doing so is understandable. After all, God introduced the idea of becoming one flesh in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2:24). It described the relationship between Adam and Eve, two innocent human beings finding love for the first time in paradise. It is an awesome, romantic, blissful picture.
If we want to know the full story, however, we need to also consider what happens when sin becomes involved. Paul says that when a man has sex with a harlot (prostitute), he becomes one flesh with her, so becoming one flesh isn't limited just to marriage, and it also isn't necessarily romantic or relationally blissful. There is little romance and no ongoing relationship between a man and a harlot. It is all about pleasure on the man's side and profit on the harlot's, yet Paul says the two still become one flesh.
This shows us that whatever it means to become one flesh, it isn't some sort of spiritual jewel held in heaven by God that He only releases when we marry the perfect man or woman. It is something much more down to earth and natural, something that can happen even with a harlot.
Paul also seems especially upset that the sex being referred to takes place with a harlot. Though it isn't for sure that he considers this sort of sex more dangerous than other sexual sins, I believe it is implied. 1 Corinthians 6:15 would not have nearly the same impact if it said, "Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a girlfriend?" Using the example of a harlot is meant to shock us so that we will pay attention. But what is it about a harlot that should make us step back and say, "Wow, that is a really bad idea!"?
If we think only in terms of the damage done to the woman, a harlot seems to be a better choice. A girlfriend is much more likely to be hurt in the end. The man will string her along with feelings that should lead to commitment, and then he will break her heart, forcing her to deal with pain as she comes to grips with a sense of abandonment. Or, as was likely in the days before modern birth control, she might become pregnant. An unmarried woman with a child was likely to face tremendous hardship in the ancient world, and the child would grow up with great disadvantages.
The harlot, on the other hand, has taken her money and is satisfied with the arrangement. She never expected anything more. She won't miss the man or long for a lasting relationship with him. And if she becomes pregnant and bears a child, she will use her profession to support it.
So why does Paul seem to be more concerned about the relationship with the harlot? We might be tempted to think it is because she is a worse sinner than other sinners. Paul could be saying, "How could you join yourself to such a low-life scum as a harlot?" But let's think about that for a minute; does God feel that way? Did Jesus shy away from harlots (other than to avoid participating in their business)? Did He treat them like low-life scum? Obviously not; He called them into His kingdom (Matthew 21:31-32, Luke 15).
What if a man is married to a harlot? Would it be wrong for him to be joined to his wife through sex? If Paul is singling out harlots because they are especially bad …if he is saying, "Never join the members of Christ to a harlot," then this man shouldn't have sex with his wife. Obviously, however, this isn't what Paul is saying. In the next chapter of 1 Corinthians, he encouraged Christians to maintain their relationships with unbelieving spouses (1 Corinthians 7:12-16). And although the adultery involved in being a harlot is grounds for divorce (Matthew 5:32), divorce is only an option, not a command. If the man wants to try to woo his wife back for a time, that is certainly a noble goal – so would Paul consider it a hard and fast command that the man should not have sex with his wife while he tries to bring her back? I find it difficult to believe he would.
I believe Paul uses the example of a harlot, in part, because it was easier for a man to fool himself about the consequences of sex with her than it was about the consequences of sex with a girlfriend. Before modern birth control, the possibility of pregnancy made sex more obviously dangerous for a young woman, so a man who tried to seduce her was more likely to know he was doing something seriously wrong. Paul didn't need to spell this out because his readers already knew it. With the harlot, however, though many men knew intuitively that there was something wrong with visiting her, the apparent lack of harm to her or any children she might bear made it easier for them to deceive themselves.
But what specifically makes sex with a harlot wrong? The answer Paul gives is that there is something about the nature of the relationship formed with her that harms the man who visits her. In other words, Paul isn't focusing on the character of the harlot; he is focusing on the damage the relationship with her brings. And though sex with her might bring less pain to her and any children produced than sex with a girlfriend, the damage done to the man who visits her is actually greater. Sex with a girlfriend is still a sin, and it damages both the man and the woman, but different types of sex affect us differently, and some types cause more harm than others.
What is this "more serious harm" that comes from a relationship with a harlot? In order to understand it, allow me to give a definition of what it means to become one flesh with someone: Our body has a set of physical processes that are set in motion by sexual activity. I call these our one flesh chemistry. They consist of powerful chemicals released during sexual acts that reshape our personalities to form a bond with the object of our sexual affection. The reshaping of our personality by these chemicals is what I believe the Bible is referring to when it speaks of becoming one flesh.
What sort of change takes place within us? The answer to that question is determined by the nature of the relationship. If we are with a wife who we love as God has designed, we are reshaped to build our life around her. Sex becomes part of our motivation and empowerment for sacrificing our time, money, and energy for her and the family that is born out of our relationship. If we are with a harlot, on the other hand, we are reshaped to build our lives around the selfishness and lack of commitment that is central to that relationship. We become "programmed" on the inside to view women as objects of pleasure. We don't think in terms of sacrifice, commitment, and forming a family. Instead, we think in terms of using women to satisfy our desires.
To state this another way, the feelings we carry into the sexual act are driven into our personalities by the sexual act. If those feelings are centered around a lifelong relationship with one woman, sex will make that relationship stronger. If they are centered around enjoying ourselves with one woman today, possibly with another tomorrow, and a different one the day after, sex will strengthen our tendency to relate to women as sex objects. By misusing the gift that God has given us to build families, we have sinned against our body by programming it for selfishness and betrayal (1 Corinthians 6:18).
This sort of change is in conflict with the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives. He wants to reshape us toward sacrifice and concern for others. He wants us to see women as well-loved daughters to whom He longs to show His kindness and grace. Yet sex with a harlot causes our inner chemistry to view them as toys for our enjoyment. Paul mentions the conflict between the Spirit and this sort of inner change in the conclusion of his discussion in 1 Corinthians 6:
Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
The Holy Spirit lives in a Christian, so our body is His temple. He is working to express Himself through that temple so He can show His love. When we misuse our sexual chemistry, the laws of nature pull the temple in the wrong direction. Yet we were bought with a price; we are not our own; therefore, we should use our bodies (our sexuality in this case) in a way that will take them in the same direction the Holy Spirit is bringing us. We glorify God by making choices that limit sex to the safety of a marriage relationship, where the changes it produces will fit nicely with our new Owner's plan.
I mentioned earlier that we tend to think of becoming one flesh as something that God holds up in heaven and only releases when we marry the right person. Hopefully it is now clear what is missing from this idea. It doesn't contain the message that sex causes a biological change within us. It is our body that is becoming one with someone (1 Corinthians 6:16).
If we understand this, it can help us to understand the plight of sexual sinners. They are often filled with lusts and fantasies that they feel they can't escape. If we view this as something they choose every day rather than a consequence of past choices, we will underestimate the difficulty of escaping it. They are not starting each day with a clean slate and deciding to dirty it. They are, instead, starting each day with a dirty slate and trying to discover how God will clean it.
It is true that all sin enslaves us; Jesus said that He who sins is a slave to sin (John 8:34). What I am saying in this book, however, is that sexual sin enslaves us in a unique way. It does something to our body that other sins don't (1 Corinthians 6:18) – and I am doing my best to describe what that looks like.
A quote from a counselor, Dr. Doug Weis, illustrates this with one particular flavor of sexual sin, sexual addiction:
"Sexual addiction is probably one of the hardest addictions to walk out of because it's part of who you are. …Drugs aren't a part of who you are. Alcohol isn't a part of who you are. [It's] something that you do. Sexuality is part of who you are. … The scripture says when we sin sexually, we sin against our own body. What happens is you get these endorphins, hits the excitement center of your brain, …you literally glue to whatever you're looking at"[5]
I found this "who you are" aspect of sexual sin to be mystifying. Every time I thought I had put it behind me, it reasserted itself and found some new way to try to grab for control. I had to face up to its inner enchantments for years as God slowly revealed its hormone charged deceptions and brought healing.
In 1 Corinthians 6:12-14, Paul introduces his discussion of sexual sin by saying that foods are for the stomach and the stomach is for foods. The idea is that God created our stomach with a purpose, and we can damage our stomach if we eat or drink something that doesn't match that purpose. For example, if we drink sulfuric acid (which is not a food), all sorts of bad consequences will follow.
Paul then says that our body was not created for sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:13). His point is that immorality is to our body what non-foods like sulfuric acid are to our stomach. (That example is exaggerated for dramatic effect, but it helps illustrate the point.) We damage our body and its beautiful one flesh chemistry when we use it in a way it wasn't intended to be used. Sex was designed to help mold us into husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers. Misusing it will mold us into something else – and we may find the changes difficult to reverse.
This brings us back to the distinction between a rebellion problem and a wisdom problem. If sex addicts don't make this distinction, they can fall into great condemnation. With rebellion, they actively choose to turn away from God and His word, and the answer to that is fairly simple: they need to choose to follow Jesus. With a lack of wisdom, they may choose the right path, but they don't know how to consistently follow it. A change has taken place inside of them that has combined powerful emotions with twisted ways of thinking. They need to humbly come to the Lord day after day, trusting Him to gradually guide them into the truth that sets them free.
If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. (emphasis added)
Picture a child trying to put together a complicated device without instructions. He may try several possibilities and then give up, assuming that he is just too unmotivated or talentless to complete the task. In reality, the task is only possible if he perseveres and receives the right help. His conclusion that he is hopelessly flawed and will never be able to complete it is based on a faulty understanding. He has a wisdom problem, not a rebellion or competence problem.
That is the situation for many sex addicts. They try to think, feel, and act as they know they should, but they fail. So they conclude that they are either too sinful or broken to repent, not knowing that answers are available if they will patiently grow to know Jesus.
The challenge they are facing is exactly the reason Paul warned us to flee sexual immorality. It is the natural result of activating their one flesh chemistry in the wrong way. Fortunately, God is in the business of saving people who have committed every sort of sin. If they will humble themselves and ask Him to give them His support and instruction, He will release His work into their lives. If they continue to do this even when it doesn't seem to be working, He will meet them in their faith. By the work of the Holy Spirit over time, the tangled knot in their hearts will be loosed.
I have what might be called an artistic personality …and that is putting a positive spin on it. If you want to put a negative spin on it, you would say that I have a tough time doing anything that doesn't emotionally grab me. On my job, I have sometimes forgotten to show up for meetings, I have avoided boring assignments, and I have felt almost like a slave to greedy capitalists – not because I was lazy, but because I wanted to spend my time making some exciting idea happen. My ideas were usually good ones, and they were often something I was assigned to work on, but they weren't what I was supposed to be working on at the moment.
It is easy for me to become so consumed with creative tasks that I lose track of everything else. Inside of me sits a set of books, computer programs, songs, and Bible teachings waiting to be let out. They stir in me and pressure me to devote my time to them, and it takes considerable energy to hold them back. Yet I often do need to hold them back, because I live in the real world where I need to serve people, fulfill responsibilities, and earn a living.
Wisdom is in the sight of him who has understanding, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth.
A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.
There was one brief time in my life when I didn't need to earn a living, and it gave me a chance to see how I would act if I had no one to tell me what to do. In 2012, I was laid off from my job of thirty-one years, and I sensed the Lord lead me to not look for a new one. For the next fifteen months, I was able to let my heart run free.
I spent time learning new ways to minister, I studied the Bible, and I wrote a large software project which eventually gave birth to The Treasure in Earthen Vessels Library. I no longer had to fight the urge to say, "Who made this stupid rule and why should I listen to it?"[6] – because I was the one making the rules. It was so invigorating that after working all day, I often had to force myself to stop working at night so I could sleep. Yet at the end of the fifteen months, I still had enough projects queued up and waiting to keep me busy for years.
Then someone called me to offer me a great Software Engineering job, and I sensed that God wanted me to walk through this open door. (And it was a pretty amazing open door. When a man in his fifties doesn't work for fifteen months, employers often assume there is something wrong with him and won't hire him. God saw to it that I avoided that fate in spite of not even creating a resume.)
When I went back to work, I found that I was a different person. I knew better who I was: basically a starving artist at heart who God had called into the business world. I understood why I struggled on my job and what I needed to do about that. I found ways to channel my creativity into assignments when I could, and I buckled down and disciplined myself when that was what the situation called for.
Before I found this kind of contentment, my experience had been a bit more turbulent. I sometimes found myself in situations that were so far from what motivated me that I wondered how I had let myself end up in them. Why hadn't I steered my life in a direction that would insure that I could be more artistic? And why didn't I just quit my job and start over?
These questions always led to the same answer: I was stuck in my job because I had gotten married, and I had gotten married because my romantic and sexual desires had led me to my wife. Without that drive, I probably would have chosen to live like a starving artist. The math in my life would have been totally different, and my strong "starving artist" nature would likely have risen to the surface and demanded that I do whatever I could to avoid financial commitments. I can picture myself renting a cheap room, controlling my spending, and building my life around my creative urges.
Yet I chose something entirely different! How did that happen? I can think of only one reason: my sex drive was stronger than my "starving artist" drive, so I chose to have a family and support them.
My point in sharing this is that sex changed me. It made me willing to accept sacrifices I never would have accepted without it. My one flesh chemistry wrapped my personality around my wife, and this affected every area of my life. I am happy about that now, and the rewards from it have been incredible, but the transformation has been long and difficult. I needed to endure jobs I wanted to quit, embrace choices that felt unnatural for me, and love my family so much I chose to suffer for them.
Sex tipped the scales in favor of domestication. It made it so that I was willing to take the plunge into a commitment that pushed me far beyond my abilities. Together with God's word, it convinced me of what sort of man I should be: I should lay down my life. I should sacrifice my time and effort. I should expand myself and learn about the many parts of life that I needed to understand in order to care for my family in the middle of this crazy world. A fairly easy to understand scripture had told me what to do with my sex drive:
…but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
And this combined with another scripture to launch me in a difficult (for me) direction:
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
As a result, I have found myself walking through decades' worth of laying down my life so I could serve not only my family but also my employers and society around me. It put me in a situation where following Jesus meant allowing God to change the old person I was into someone who is more patient, caring, giving, and wise. …And that is exactly what God created our one flesh chemistry to do. When we experience it as He intended, it motivates us to lay down our lives for others. It gives us no other good choice but to grow up and consider the needs of a family. It changes us according to the nature of our relationship with our spouse. The Holy Spirit uses it to reshape us into fitting temples in which His glory can shine (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Before I end this chapter, I need to spend a short time on the subject of sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It often isn't as damaging to our personalities as sex with a harlot, but it is still a sin against our body, and sin always has consequences (Galatians 6:7-8).
How do we sin against our body when we have sex with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Sex was designed by God to be practiced in the security of a lifelong commitment. When this commitment isn't there, the people involved may try to continually earn each other's love. The nature of the relationship lacks the safety found in a covenant of faithfulness for a lifetime, so they try to constantly prove to the other why the partner should remain. Under those circumstances, sex can drive traits like insecurity, fear of abandonment, and manipulation into our personalities. We have placed ourselves into a situation in which we are unnecessarily vulnerable, and that vulnerability can infect our emotions.
When breakups occur, we may deaden our hearts with the thought that, "If a relationship doesn't work out, I can always move on to another." Unfortunately, our one flesh chemistry can take even this and make it a part of our thinking, and that can be especially damaging to a future marriage. It will lead to a tendency toward not making the sacrifices necessary to make a marriage work, because in our hearts we feel we can always move on. It may lead to divorce or adultery. We have been shaped to view sex in terms of our needs and desires, and this damages the unselfish foundations of a lifelong commitment.
Along with these sorts of sins against ourselves and our future family, we are also helping our boyfriend or girlfriend to inflict similar damage on themselves, all in the name of love. We may not see the hypocrisy of this, because sex is so entrancing that it can blind us to the nature of what we are doing, but the damage occurs anyway. There is simply no way to truly love someone in the sense of doing what is best for them if we are having sex with them outside of marriage. We may feel romance and excitement, but to indulge in those feelings apart from God's plan is a lack of wisdom at best and selfishness at worst.
It is good at this point to mention God's forgiveness. I have described sexual sin in a way that has hopefully helped you to see why it is wrong, and you may be realizing some of the damage that you have done to yourself and others. This can bring up intense feelings of guilt and shame.
Please know that Jesus died for all of your sins, including sexual sins. Even the most heinous and selfish acts are cleansed by His blood if you will confess them and believe in Him (1 John 1:9). God is always waiting to tenderly receive His sons and daughters. He takes you in with all of your failures, wounds, and damage, and He holds you in His arms like a loving father would His little child. You don't have to earn that; Jesus shed His blood so that you could have it simply by receiving Him through faith as your Savior and Lord.
God also wants you to know that He will be by your side as He gradually heals you from the damage that sin has brought. He will even, like a father with a child, be excited by your imperfect and struggling progress. The experience of having Him meet you even in your problems can be incredibly satisfying. Imagine finding love and miraculous power in the middle of the consequences of your worst sins and failures! You will come to know Him as the One who is in the business of saving you and restoring your heart.
I have written this book because I have seen Him do this for me, and I want to share this gift with others. It is not my goal to make anyone fall into guilt and shame; I am simply trying to help us to understand the problem so that we can better recognize the solution. If we can see the sickness clearly, the medicine will make more sense. With that in mind, I will continue to discuss our one flesh chemistry in the next chapter. I will turn my attention to a problem that is rampant in western culture, the abuse of our one flesh chemistry with pornography.
Jesus, how we need your help! How we need a Savior! Please reveal Yourself to us as the One who desires to forgive us and enable us to rise above our sinful tendencies. Give us faith. Give us comfort. Help us to know You as You truly are and to receive the fullness of Your love.
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